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April 16th, been almost 2 weeks (graphic) - Kyrene the Fridge Mastigos [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Kyrene the Fridge Mastigos

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April 16th, been almost 2 weeks (graphic) [Apr. 16th, 2009|01:29 pm]
Kyrene the Fridge Mastigos
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

WARNING: THIS POST HAS VERY GRAPHIC ELEMENTS.

I think I am ready to talk about this now.

Allen and I lost the second baby on Friday, April 3 2009. I began to stain (not even spot) late Thursday night.
Friday, I called the Doctor and he said, "If it gets worse, go to the hospital."

If did get worse. At 4:30 p.m I felt like I was getting socked in my ribcage, and the bleeding became more pronounced. I called Allen and he came home 15 minutes later. We went across town (in Friday traffic) to the hospital. In the car, I put myself under hypnosis so I didn't lose it completely. We had a helluva time finding parking, and I walked into the E.R., gave my name, and then said, "I need a pad."

I went into the ER restroom and had Al come in with me. I knew something BIG had gone wrong. (NOTE: I did NOT have this happen the first time, the first time was some slight bleeding and that was it.)

I lost the baby right there, along with a LOT of blood. Allen was (and still is) amazed by the amount I lost all at once. I was in shock. I retrieved the sac with the baby in it...Yes, I reached into the Toit and did it, and put it on a few towels.

I tried to clean up as best as possible, but I was a MESS.

I went quickly to the triage window, where I told them I had miscarried right then and there, and I had the embryo. I was quickly put through triage, gave me my groovy name band, then had to wait.

My name was called, and a tech who was very silent led us a long way to the ultrasound area. I was still bleeding profusely. The hoobajoob hurt so much more, and I expelled the placenta. It was like giving birth with ultrasound torture.

When I came out, we waited and waited. My mom came and brought snacks, a couple magazines and a bead catalog to take my mind off things.

Dracthyus came and lent his support - and had some of that fine ER coffee.

People were actually PISSED at me that I was getting treatment. Old people with a fart crosswise, mostly. I had one of those blue pads I carried around so I didn't get blood on the ER seats, and they were whining that they had been there 4 hours.

I was able to have two Arnold Palmers, and then they wanted a blood sample. (Do you ever notice that when you LOSE a lot of blood, that they want more of it out of you? I got another armband, this time orange. I told the Phlebotomist...this is like a club. I get taken back to VIP rooms, and then get another armband.

Oh, and did I mention my complete FEAR of needles and Hospitals? (This does factor in, trust me.) My fear - along with the great blood loss made me a freakin' stand-up comedian that thought everything was funny.

The nice lady who was helping me in triage saw me as she was coming off of her shift, and said that she would see where they were and hurry everything up. I never got her name, but she helped a lot. Then, we waited again. All four of us staring at the Aquarium DVD that I have a copy of, and commenting how the crabs got a raw deal.

My name was called again. I held tight to Allen as we went into the ER and my bay. The tech told me to disrobe and put on a hospital robe - that was too small. I said, "I am going to keep my clothes on. It is cold in here." When he left, I became claustrophobic. I backed into a wall and started shouting, "I WANT TO GO HOME. I AM ALL DONE AND I WANT TO GO HOME." Over and over. Allen went out and informed the nurse of my phobia, and calmed me down, put on the T.V. and got a bigger gown.

I had more tests, but I was watching Adult Swim, or a travel or cooking show, so I didn't care. Then the doctor comes in for the final exam. I had pretty much expelled everything at once. There was almost no blood, and I was told that if I miscarried a THIRD time, then they would look into it. I was given a prescription, then signed the papers and left the hospital.

I went to Norm's after that, and had a side salad and hash browns. Came home, took a shower, and went to bed. The next week I tried to keep busy and rest when I needed to, but I was just trying to forget.

Monday, we got the all-clear, and I got on the pill. Not sure for how long, we may try again in the near future. For right now, I am taking time to finish projects and get my life in some sort of order.

During this time, we got hit with some bad financial news, too. We are now sorting that out, and I finished the Affidavit for Chase that needed to be sent out.

LIke I said in a letter (Fueled by Hypnotiq and frozen grapes) - We just wanted a mote of happiness, to have a child and raise it, to show it the beautiful things in life, to teach it what we know. I have been asking the "why" for a while.

On Easter Sunday, I found a poem in my grama's devotional that really touched me. I am pagan, but I will put it in here with some tweaking (to fit what I took away from it.)

When the Fog Has Lifted

There are burdens we must carry
And sorrows we must bear,
And sometimes we're disappointed
By answers to our prayers.
There are times our faith is tested
And doubts and fears creep in,
But testing makes us stronger
Where there's a Will to win.
When we pray that the Creator will heal us,
Sometime's the answer's "No."
And it's hard to understand
Why we must suffer so.
Sometimes sorrows beget blessings
In ways we do not know;
When we truly learn to trust (In the Creator)
And faith begins to grow.
Sometimes we fail to recognize
The Creator's footprints in the sand
In the times that we were carried
And we didn't understand.
We should never be discouraged
By burdens we must bear
For when the fog has lifted,
We see the Creator's presence there!

We have had some really healing experiences. We had lunch with the Morgan clan, and Allen loved spending time with Ken. At faire this past Saturday, I took care of little Hailey for a short while. (Momma was pregnant with her last year @ faire.)

We will try again, I am sure, but we are strangely stronger from the experience. I also will have prenatal vites and WIC for the next 6 months so it will prepare my body to try again.

Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes, words of encouragement, and calling or mailing to see how we are.






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Comments:
[User Picture]From: arcturusrann
2009-04-17 12:44 am (UTC)
[speechless]

I really had no idea how much you had dealt with. The experiences I have had (second-hand, obviously) with miscarriage have largely been something where it was so early, there wasn't a whole developed sac, placenta and the like. I dearly wish this hadn't happened to you, but at the same time, I do have the belief that somehow (even if I can't see how) some good will come of this. I mean, looking back at the tragedies and tribulations of my own life, I can see some good that ultimately came of them all, and there must be something like that with this. I sure hope so, anyway.

As for the ER, yeah, that doesn't surprise me at all. People in general never deal with a sense that they're not as important as other people, and all too many never even bother to think about why such a thing might happen. A lot of it has to do with people who have never had something truly serious to go to the ER about; if they did, they'd realize that the fact that they're waiting so long is a good sign of their general well-being.

When danae hemorraged after our first was born, I was deeply scared and the fact that she was immediately dealt with didn't do much to reassure me (although I realize that was just a matter of preventing blood loss). When we got put in a room and were just left there, it gave a sort of sense of security in that they wouldn't do so if her life was in any serious danger.

Although I'm obviously not any sort of medical expert, I do have to think that taking some time before trying again is probably likely to help in the future. It just seems a kind of common-sense kind of thing, although obviously that could just be a bunch of rubbish. If nothing else, though, I have to think it will help your mindset to just have this whole thing behind you when you give it a go again.

(sigh) As much as I know difficulties in life provide growth experiences, I sure'd like a little more stagnant peacefulness for us all.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: cldshadow
2009-04-19 09:52 am (UTC)

Sis

I'm deeply sorry for what you have had to endure. I'm happy to hear spending time with Kenny helped Allen, but I hope it didn't cause you much pain. I would hate to think for a moment that your nephew cause you any discomfort. If you ever need some time out just let us know. We know you have a hard time dealing with where we are currently living but soon you won't have to set foot in there again
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